Mi Amiga Del Alma

She left me friendless. The last words were harsh and painful. I cried my eyes to sleep and tried to pretend it didn’t matter. Sometimes something happens that hits you so hard that the only way you can go about it is really quiet. I harbored the feelings for two years. Two years I hated her, I wondered if she was ever my friend. Two years I blamed her for making me believe that she was. Two years I felt like a big part of me was detached, like somehow it didn’t happen.

See, there’s this thing that people know but no one really talks about. When you have not found your soulmate but you have soul friends, then even if you may not know it your soul friends matter more than any momentous boyfriend could ever matter. Subconsciously, you’re certain that no matter how many boyfriends you may have, you still have your best friend supporting you through it all. You expect to have dramatic romantic relationships, but your relationships with your friends are never dramatic, never complicated, never catty, jealous, rancorous or envious. So, when your best friend ignores you, trades you for a boyfriend, does not support you in your darkest hours and blatantly offends you and hurts you, the pain… is almost too much to take.

I pretended she never existed. I forbid my other best friend from talking about it. I went on with my life. I never called. I never e-mailed. I even pretended I didn’t see her on the street when I did. And somehow I had lost a little faith in trusting people. So, one day my own words saved me. I took a piece of paper and began to write her a letter. I told her exactly what I wanted to tell her. How I wanted to pretend she was far away but still my friend, how I loved her and cared about her and wish I didn’t. And the weeks following the mailing of that letter, all the pain began to lift from me, all the hurt, all the feeling of betrayal. I felt like I was finally free. I saw her like a friend I once had that was simply an acquaintance today. I was happy and surprised. Could this be the first broken relationship from my past that I had finally resolved? Could it? But it was nothing more than an illusion and I still don’t know why.

Perhaps I fooled myself by going to see her, thinking that she could see me as an acquaintance like I saw her. Perhaps I thought that it would be easier, simpler, and quicker. But sometimes, when someone shows you that they care about you, you secretly begin to believe they do. I didn’t know it. I didn’t even realize it until I saw myself defeated once again. My subconscious played a joke on me. I believed we were friends again. I believed that things had changed and because I was not hurt anymore I didn’t prevent myself or really protected myself for another disillusion. I thought I had mastered it, but I hadn't. I began to believe in my ‘friend’ again. I began without noticing to trust my friend again. I could’ve sworn that everything I was sharing was something you share with an acquaintance. But I thought she had changed. I thought that she was now capable of being a friend, of caring, of supporting. Was I seeing what I wanted to see? Was my mind playing a trick on me? Was I doing what many psychologists have explained, changing my past memories to accommodate my current ones? Was I used? Was my friend making me believe that she was my friend for the purpose of having me care once again about her? I guess I should’ve seen it when she said I should come by more often. I guess I should’ve never gone by again, should’ve never shopped with her, called or texted. I guess it’ll always be that way. I’ll always wish I didn’t care and could never erase it all or forget it all. I guess only one of my soul friends shall remain a true friend. I guess there’s just things in life that we’ll never be able to understand or fight. All I can do is distance myself, hope that the same mistakes will never be again, hope that it never happens with my one true soul friend.

Thank you Mar for always being there. BTW, I really don’t want to talk about this.